So I'm writing this here because it is the only place I can where my family won't read this or see this.
I have just over a day before I fly to PA.
But I'm really sad and upset. My gran has been getting weaker. She's been getting really frail and sick even just in the last weekend. We even think that she had a stroke today. She seemed that way when we went to see her, but there's nothing that we or anyone can do about it. She's been having blackouts and mini strokes more and more frequently. She is 91.
She has always been this strong-willed, hearty woman as long as I have had the blessing and the misfortune(lol) to know her. But now she can't even function. She is fading infront of my eyes. And I'm flying away from her when she and my family need me the most.
I have a horrible feeling that something is going to happen to her while I'm gone. And I promised myself in 2000 when my other grandmother died, that I would be there the next time, nomatter what. Because I wasn't there then. I didn't go in the ambulance with mum. She told me to stay. When I woke up in the morning to a cold-hearted father telling me she had died, I made that promise to myself. I would not miss it next time.
But I am still going to PA... I feel so sad to be leaving her, but I know if she were strong enough to she would tell me 'don't be silly you silly girl! of course you're going to see Doug! I mean obviously I'd prefer him to come here, but STILL, don't be silly!' She's always wanting doug here lol. Hopefully by feb time Doug will have a job here so she can see him as much as she wants lol.
I hope and pray that my gran gets better. She HAS to, she's this unmovable, unbeatable force, who has faced war, the loss of her first son when he was 2 weeks old, she's survived cancer back when not many people did.
I told her tonight that I loved her... I'm not sure that she understood. And I'm scared that when the carers go in to check on her in the morning, that she'll already be gone. I'm so scared and I've got tears streaming down my face.
I didn't just post this on dA to avoid my family seeing this, but also because it was the only place I could think of to say all of this. And because dA has been my refuge, my safety for so many years.
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This bit is more for my benefit than anyone else's but here's a list of the stuff I have to get done/ideas that i'm cooking up... If you think you could help with any of them then let me know
To do: - Convert RAWs and drop disks round at Jodie's - oops forgotten that one!
- Finish editing and posting pics from sammy's shoot.
- Sammy's shoot Nov 3rd - 4th. - Postponed
- Re-design stargirlphotography.com
Ideas I'm working on:- Snow Queen shoot
- Steampunk
- New horror work
- Dark glamour
- Period/Victorian Shoots series
Jane Eyre shoot - idea settled, MUA sorted, Stylist/Period Wardrobe sorted, the perfect location needed and the perfect Edward and Jane - I found the people I'd like but haven't heard back from them..
Wuthering Heights shoot - Location, male model sorted, presuming the Jane Eyre MUA will like this one too. Clothes sorted just not going to be available for a while and I still need my perfect Cathy
- Gothic Lolita Shoot
- Fashion shoot at pleasure beach possibly Alice themed again.
- Anime/Harajuku inspired series - possibly a major path for my work.
- Artistic Nude series possibly alt processes (so not for a long while lol)
- Gothic Snow White
- high fashion styled work
To save up for:- External HD recovery (£450ish)
- Studio kit (buying an alien bee set in PA this xmas)
- D700 (roughly £1.5k)
- Camera Repairs (£300 roughly)
Watching a light fade 
Sadness
two wonderful designers are helping me out! ^_^
Isolated
Artistic
Relief
Tired
